What Not To Do At Hogwarts
by Elven-Quill11
Summary: Almost everyone has heard "I am not allowed to... at Hogwarts." These are the expanded stories behind some of the no no's.
1. Breeding Ligers

While in Care of Magical Creatures one day we had a lack of excitement with the flobber worms. So naturally we began to talk a bit. We were discussing our favorite muggle movies.

I had mentioned Napoleon Dynamite. And quoting ensued. I quoted about my favorite animal, the liger. I decided I could trust the people around so I talked about my liger breeding plan.

I had the whole plan worked out. As lions and tigers, and yes even ligers, were real species I simply needed magical specimens of the species. My ideal charms to be used on the specimens were: a color changing charm, a hover charm, and a growth charm.

At this point I was confronted by Hagrid. Hagrid was rather excited about the plan. We decided to discuss the preparations while we were going to dinner. Unfortunately Professor McGonagall heard us talking.

Did you know that you get a week's detention with Snape and Filch respectively for planning to breed illegal animals. If I had attempted it I would have had to go on trial in front of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. And all I was doing was quoting a movie. That's not fair, in my humblest of opinions.


	2. Giant Squid and the Yule Ball

Everyone remembers the night of the Yule Ball. That is everyone except me. I was prohibited from entering unless took my date home first. I guess I should elaborate.

I had asked a ton of people. Everyone said no or had a date or was washing their hair. A lot of people needed to wash their hair that night. Imagine missing the Yule Ball to wash your hair, crazy.

I was getting desperate the week before hand. Taking a walk that night I ended up spilling my heart to the Giant Squid. Then it hit me, why not the Giant Squid?

I got really gussied up that night for my damp date. About an hour before the dance I went out to the lake. It took a levitation spell, a huge bubble head charm, and the aguamenti spell to fill the bubble.

I levitated the Giant Squid up to the front doors. If I may say we were a good looking couple, my dress matched the lake water perfectly (with a color changing charm).

Filch and Snape stopped us at the door. We argued for a while, I got at least one hundred points deducted from my house (but they were never deducted, maybe Snape got drunk!) and then McGonagall came out. We argued too for awhile (my insults are unsuitable for virgin ears) then she got Dumbledore.

I was so angry that I wasn't allowed to dance with my date or even go. I took my date home, said goodbye, and went back to my dorm. Many, many things got broken in rage.


	3. Halucinogenic Substances

In sixth year I wasn't doing so well in Herbology. I passed by O.W.L.s in Herbology and kept at it. Unfortunately I was inconsiderate to Neville Longbottom when he was doing a presentation on Mimbulus Mimbletonia (We all gave presentations on plants that year) and was banned from the green house for three weeks.

In those three weeks I earned no credit for Herbology and unless I wanted to fail the class I needed some big extra credit. I remembered my older brother's use of hallucinogenic substances. I decided I should try to grow some.

Using a few spells to make the plants grow faster I grew them within the three week period. I brought them to Sprout to see if she would give me extra credit (I must have used some before to even believe that this plan would work). She incinerated the plants on the spot.

I got to keep a little bit of my ah 'project' which made fun and disturbing times later on. But Sprout made me serve three weeks detention with her, five tons of dragon dung, and a new crop of mandrakes.


	4. Flying Monkies

In fifth year we had career placement meetings with Professor Umbridge and our head of house. Before my meeting I made the mistake of staying up all night to read Wicked: The Life and Times of The Wicked Witch of the West.

I was rather mouthy when I was a young fifth year. I mouthed off to Umbridge whenever I could. During the meeting I was asked the same question as everyone else: "What do you want to do as a career?"

Before the rational part of my brain (which must have escaped from captivity that day) could answer truthfully, the snarky part of my brain reacted first. "I want to conquer the world with my army of flying monkeys."

Umbridge looked suspiciously at me. "You want to what?" she asked in the sickeningly sweet girlish voice, like she had no idea what I just said.

"To conquer the earth with flying monkeys," I answered grinning. "Just like my role model: Elphaba Thropp."

"Who?" The toad asked again with a girlish giggle. "I don't believe I know who that is. Please enlighten me."

"Elphaba Thropp, Third Thropp descending heiress to Munchkinland. We have so many things in common. We both are witches, we disrespect authority figures, and we love flying monkeys," I replied casually.

"That is not an appropriate career choice." The Toad replied.

"Why not?" I asked suppressing a smile.

"You need a real career. Not one that is fake or one that allows muggles to know of our existence. And ruling the world sounds rather like the ramblings about a certain dark wizard being at large again. Have you been talking to Mr. Potter lately?"

"I'll get you my pretty…well ugly…no toady…and your little kitty plates too Hahaha!"

This led to a detention with Umbridge. Her detentions have to be the worst I've ever had. It also led to another of my fun plans.


	5. I Told You I Was Hard Core

After my bad career meeting with Umbridge I served a detention with her. I had to write "I will not voice absurd career choices." I wrote that for an hour but Umbridge didn't come back.

I felt, like most students did after the Weasley twins went A.W.O.L., that I needed to live up to the greatest pranksters ever. I thought of a dozen plans to prank Umbridge in three seconds. Then I got a genius idea.

I grabbed the quill that had inflicted pain and writing on my hand. I wrote for about half an hour before Umbridge burst in. I told her that I had only continued to write as she ordered.

She seemed happy and shocked so she offered me a position on the Inquisitorial Squad. I took the position and proudly enforced all Educational Decrees to the best of my abilities (Note sarcasm).

I proudly displayed the work of half an hour to the rest of the school. I was a school hero and everyone wanted to read what I wrote on my hand. "I told you I was hard core," impressed one and all.

Umbridge found out three weeks later. I was given three detentions with her. "I will not voice absurd career choices," and "I will not play with Professor Umbridge's special quill," make weird scars when they over lap.


	6. All Things Star Wars

(AN: As J.K. Rowling's timeline doesn't work for some of my ideas I am moving it foreward. 1990 is the when Harry is born now, and if you don't like it I don't care. But "I" am the same age as Harry, currently unspecified house. That means for my third year, as in this memory/story it is 2003. Thank You Elven-Quill11)

The summer before my third year was rather boring. Having nothing to do all summer I entertained myself by totally geeking out. I watched the Lord of the Rings (the extended version) and the Star Wars trilogies (Technically trilogy and 2/3 of another trilogy as Episode III hadn't come out yet). Needless to say, third year was geeky trouble. I learned early that year that people find Star Wars geeky and annoying.

When a teacher told us to do something with our wands I corrected them calling the wands "An elegant weapon for a more civilized age." Most teachers ignored me in hopes that I would shut up and go away. They soon learned. When given free reign to use my creative genius I go a bit crazy.

The teachers gave me detentions for "disrupting class" or "mouthing off to a teacher." I do believe that I broke a school record. I was told I'd get detention until Christmas if I didn't stop saying my wand was "An elegant weapon for a more civilized age." I stopped because I am not an idiot. I continued to mouth the words, never getting caught.

Also reviewing in Charms was very fun. We practiced the Wingardium Leviosa charm, levitation, which I just happen to rock at. When asked how I got that good my answer was always that "my midichlorian count is off the charts." It is funny to make people stare!

Also the Accio charm is fun to call the force. As it was not common knowledge for third years people are confused when things fly. Telling people that you have been using the force is fun because people are stupid.

Also, according to Snape, McGonagall, Flitwick, Filch, and strangely Hagrid, when I use my wand lightsaber sounds are not necessary. They make a great deal of people very angry.

Visits to Hogsmeade are not so pleasant when you stand on an overlooking bluff and say "a wretched hive of scum and villainy." Technically it is not a hive at all, it is a village. The people inhabiting this village don't like to be told the afore mentioned quote.

When I got in trouble during third year I exercised my wise cracking mouth. Being grilled about some delinquency or other I always replied to the Professor's questions by saying "These are not the droids you are looking for," while waving my hand. It gets harsher detention sentences because Hogwarts teachers don't understand me.


End file.
